Father Friday: Your Story – Part 5

by chris on August 17, 2012

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Start from the beginning: Your Story – Part 1

Kaylin,

Eight months after we decided to give our pregnancy over to God we reached a low point in our journey. Let me quote a line straight out of my journal from December 2010.

“I hear nothing, I see no changes, and I have little expectations. This is the darkest time of my life, because I am aware of the darkness yet I am seeking the light and it’s not there…We’re clueless, helpless, and we feel like failures.”

Since we’d discontinued fertility treatments the previous Spring we experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Although we still prayed together at the table each night the negative pregnancy tests were tough to deal with month after month. We knew God was faithful, but we were struggling with the patience to wait on Him.

Life went on for the next seven months and in July 2010 Jana came into my office with a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic, but about five weeks later, during a routine doctor visit, we were told something didn’t look right. We were referred to a specialist and just a few hours later we were told that we would lose not one, but two babies. Jana was pregnant with twins.

I hope there is never another time in my life that I experience that same level of shame. We felt betrayed. Your mother, understandably, had a lot of questions for God. I felt that I had failed as the spiritual leader of our family. We have never come to completely understand why it happened, but when faith is lacking, obedience or rebellion is our only choice. So we continued to press on.

I love you,

Daddy

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